“You’re so young, live your life first!”
“Figure out being an adult first!”
“Don’t you wanna explore a bit first?”
“You’re waiting until marriage? What if he’s bad at sex?”
These were all said to me when I was engaged to my husband at 19, preparing to be married at 20. Not just once…
These mindsets, I feel, are EXACTLY why marriage in our society is not successful. Not necessarily the age thing. I am definitely not saying that everyone has to get married at twenty! Please don’t misinterpret. But our reasonings WHY we shouldn’t get married at twenty show what our society’s view of marriage is.
Here are some misconceptions about marriage that I want to squash right now. If these misconceptions are actually true about your marriage, please stop, figure out how to make them not true, and start living in a happy relationship!
Misconception Number 1: Life Ends After Marriage
I don’t know how this got started. So many people were urging me not to marry. There reasoning? “You still have so much life ahead of you!”
This was awful to me! How badly do you have to view marriage that your reaction to me announcing my engagement is the same as if I were to announce my suicide plans?
First off, my life is still ahead of me! In fact, it’s a very rich and happy life! My life did not end when I got married. Let me repeat that for those people who still think this about marriage, “Life does not end when you marry!” In fact, after I married my husband, I felt like my REAL life had finally begun.
Many people elaborated and said things like, “Well, don’t you want to finish school and focus on getting a good job?” My response was always, “I am still going to school, and I’m not sure why being married would keep me from getting a job…” I could not figure out why, to them, getting married meant I was no longer going to exist. I graduated, got my first “grown-up” job, and started my grown-up life, just like if I was single! Imagine that!
Which brings me to the next statement.
Misconception 2: You Must Figure Everything Out First
Yes. I would much better figure out all of this confusing adult world ALL BY MYSELF with NO partner in the whole thing. Just kidding. That sounds not as fun. My husband and I always had support in each other. We were learning together and we had two incomes with which to do it, which was pretty helpful when learning
I feel like we figured things out pretty well. I have friends from school who are still “figuring things out.” I also have friends who are way more ahead in life than I will probably ever be. That’s just how things work. I don’t think being married was the big deciding factor. We figured out buying a house, getting jobs, budgeting, child-rearing, etc. all while married. Being married did not stop us. In fact, I feel like we were ahead of a lot of people our age.
My mom said this to a lot of people when they asked why she “allowed” us to get married so young. She would say, “I am so happy that my daughters have found a person that will be there with them through all of the hardships that are coming. They have a partner that will be there for them. And they will be there for their partners. Why would I keep that from them?”
Misconception 3: You
I feel like this right here is the biggest reason marriages fail! This mindset.
I did not marry my husband based on finding the best sexual partner or “exploring” my options. I made a choice based on many factors including his love of God, his willingness to commit, his ability to be affectionate, his talents and passions, and many more. Literally, NONE of the factors were his sexual abilities.
Here’s the problem with waiting until after you’ve “explored” all possible options (even not thinking sexually). There are ALWAYS going to be better options. That sounds harsh, but I bet if I looked, I could find someone that is better at a lot of things
If we have this mindset before marriage, it will stick after marriage. A lot of people will say, “No, that’s not true, there are a lot of people who are happily married that had sex with other people before.” Yes, there are. It’s not a fixed rule. But it would be harder for many people and is harder for many people to get out of that way of thinking. We will always be thinking maybe we didn’t pick the best option. A better option WILL come along. It’s an inevitable occurrence. Someone will come along that has that quality that you are feeling is missing from
I loved my husband. So I made the choice to continue to love my husband. I did not need to explore my options.
Now about the sex question. What?! I was 19 and waiting for marriage. Newsflash I was sure I was pretty bad at sex too. We learned together! And I think that’s amazing. And we were two Christian kids planning on only having sex with our spouse. We were pretty excited to just get to try!
I actually think that “exploring” in this area causes a lot of problems when it’s time to make a commitment. As said before, there will always be someone more attractive, there will always come a time when you start to get bored. When we had that mindset BEFORE marriage, it’s hard to let go of it after. When you spent your entire adult life trying to find the best sexual partner, it would make it much harder to stay committed during those rough, dry patches that sometimes happen.
BUT there is also this crazy thing called COMMUNICATION! My husband and I talk about our needs with each other. As we grew our needs changed. We discuss them. If that time starts to come where one of us is needing more or less or different, we talk about it. If I start to get bored, I don’t go find someone to fulfill my needs, I talk to my husband about what those needs are.
If our marriage had been based on our sexual desires, we would already have divorced by now. My body has changed approximately 3,468 times since we’ve gotten married with the pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, recovering, getting pregnant again, losing a ton of weight… My husband had to be patient with me at times when I really just could not even start to think about intimacy. I also changed in looks a lot. I gained a lot of weight. I am working to get my body back, but my husband has loved me through it all. You know why? Because that is not why he married me.
So there are other reasons why a person might choose not to marry young. Not everyone is ready or finds someone that they are committed to at that age. Some people do not have the maturity to make a lifelong commitment. I did and I wasn’t going to wait to let my life with him start. But the reasons that people gave me why I SHOULDN’T made me very sad. They made me realize how people view marriage and why many have a hard time sticking with them. It made me realize how many people look at marriage as being “stuck” instead of seeing it as having a best friend for life.
So please don’t feel sorry for me that I married young… I have NEVER once regretted it! Every day I thank God for my beautiful family and my amazing life!
What is your favorite part of married life? What do you think is a big misconception about marriage? What advice do you have for married couples that might be going through a rough patch? Share with us!
Wedding and Engagement Photography by Heidi Abbott of thriveseniors.com
I am also so glad that I married young (22) and that my husband and I both waited for intimacy. It seems that since we waited, we are far more satisfied with each other than most others who have experimented before marriage.
I totally agree! I love that I can say that he is my one and only!
Totally agree with this! What great advice for today’s young people!!
Yes! I try to let anyone who is being told they don’t date enough or that they need to “soil their wild oats” that this just isn’t true! Not only is it not true but it can be damaging!
Your wedding pictures are beautiful. I love your bouquet! Congratulations on finding your life partner, the person to explore this crazy life with, the person to raise a family with, and the one person who will support you through all the ups and downs! My husband and I did not marry as young as you (I was 29 and he was 28), but we both waited until marriage to have sex. My husband was also my first relationship EVER! He only had one other relationship prior to me and that ended terribly for him. They were actually engaged and it was broken off by her just a few short months before their wedding. I am definitely not the perfect wife, pretty far from it actually, and find that I need to figure out how to make my husband feel special. It’s hard after having children because there’s another human being who is in need of my constant attention! Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you! The photos were taken by a good friend of ours! She actually no longer does wedding photos, mostly senior pictures and family photos, so we’re so glad that we had her take our photos. She had also done my senior pictures and our engagement photos!
I am DEFINITELY not a perfect wife and I’m always so amazed at how much he loves me! He always treats me like I’m the smartest, most beautiful woman! The things he says to his friends about me when they’re complaining about his wives are always giving me honor!
It definitely can be hard after kids, but it can also be a lot of fun!
I totally agree with everything you’ve written, and I found myself nodding along the whole time.
I married young (23-so young by modern society standards, but not so young that I received a ton of opposition) and I knew it was right for me. My husband was only my second boyfriend, my first being back in high school. I did not have a lot of dating experience, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t need dating experience. We started dating in Feb of 2012 and married in June 2013, so our relationship was less than a year and a half total when we got married, which I know makes some people nervous (and definitely isn’t the right decision for everyone!)
My life has only gotten better and better since getting married. We also got pregnant about 2 weeks after the wedding, so my husband and I didn’t have a lot of time together just the two of us, which I know is something most people recommend. I can see why, I mean, I wish I got to have more time to do whatever I wanted with my husband, too! But I am so blessed by my kids and I can’t imagine my family any other way. Our kids will grow up so fast and they will go to college, and I’ll still be in my 40s. My husband and I will have PLENTY of time to “live it up”….and bonus is we will have more money at that point, too. 😉 That means more trips together and all sorts of fun things I couldn’t afford in my early 20s anyway.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I agree with you that getting married young is not for everyone, but society acting like every single person who married young is doomed is ridiculous. I loved my husband when we married, and I love him even more now. Hasn’t always been easy, but what marriage is?
Yes! Marriage is going to be hard even if you think you know everything about each other and are older and have had many relationships. Money arguments will come, children will come with a whole new set of arguments! We did wait 4 years before we decided to have kids (even though we really wanted them earlier, but we were still figuring grown-up life out!)
I loved reading this! I got married after college so I was like 22, but marriage has been great! We now have 2 beautiful children and I love being married and having a family. My parents got married when they were in their thirties and definitely heard them saying I should wait and explore etc… I definitely do not regret getting married young and I can grow with my husband.
Yes! I actually think the growing together part has made it so amazing! Sometimes I look at my husband and am just completely amazed at how he is basically a different man than that kid I married. It’s actually so cool!
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