How to Argue in a Strong Marriage

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After being married for almost eight years, I think I can honestly say that one of my favorite things about our relationship is how we argue. You might think, “Huh? That’s your FAVORITE thing?” And yes, it is! Notice I didn’t say THAT we argue, I said HOW we argue. Anyone getting ready to make that huge commitment needs to know how to argue in a strong marriage. The reason being that arguments and disagreements are inevitable. It’s not IF you argue, but WHEN you argue.

The reason the way that we argue is one of my favorite things is that I really feel we still try to honor each other in our disagreements. There is no mudslinging, name-calling, or trying to make each other feel guilty. We truly want to come to an agreement or find a solution to our problem. We try to make our “arguing” productive.

This is not to say that we are perfect and we never have negative arguments that end in tears. We have had bad arguments and probably will have more (a lot) in the future. Our first year of marriage had some doozies… Over the years we’ve started to learn how to keep a loving relationship through disagreements and really how to argue in a strong marriage. Sometimes we even still laugh and enjoy each other through our arguments now… It’s kinda weird but we are a little weird.

How to Argue in a Strong Marriage

Be solution-oriented-It’s not a competition to win

When a disagreement inevitably comes up in your marriage, it shouldn’t be about “being right” it should be about doing what works or solves the problem. Listen to each other. If your spouse is insisting that what you’re saying is wrong, take a moment to ask what they suggest (not sarcastically). Ask your partner what would be better. When you think of the two of you as a team trying to accomplish a goal, your arguments look a lot different.

Often, it feels more like a collaboration session at work when my husband and I argue. We go through different ideas, talk about the cons of the solution, and try to reason it out.

Feelings are valid, even if not intended

My mother talks about how she used to get so frustrated with my dad when she would get angry or hurt over something that he did. His response was always that he didn’t intend to make her feel bad so she shouldn’t.

I feel that probably the MOST common reason an argument ensues is hurt feelings. Someone did or said something that made the other person mad or hurt. Sometimes it’s intentional (hopefully not) but more often than not, the other person just wasn’t thinking.

Remember that your actions or words can cause hurt feelings even if that was not your intention. This does not mean that your partner “shouldn’t” feel that way. Apologize and listen to what it was that caused this argument, instead of insisting that the person is wrong for feeling.

Remember to honor each other even in disagreement

You might think that your partner’s logic makes zero sense and sounds stupid. That’s fine, talk to them about why you think their logic is flawed. DO NOT call them an idiot or stupid. This is not honoring each other. Use words of love when referring to each other always, even when you are angry. When we let words of hate escape our mouths, it encourages that same hate in our hearts. This can be hard to come back from. You can’t put those words back in your mouth.

Similarly, remember to honor each other to others

You will never see my husband or me post something on Facebook that puts the other in a negative light. Jokingly, sure. We might tease each other about things that we both know is something we do. But airing our dirty laundry and telling the world how the other is a piece of trash, good for nothing, etc etc that I see on many other social media pages is a sure way to cause bigger issues.

I am a little guilty of discussing some of our struggles with my parents… My parents have been through a lot of ups and downs but have made it through so I value their thoughts and advice. So does my husband. So even though I am kind of going against my own advice here, I still believe that I try to honor my husband. I will talk about what I am frustrated with, but more as a “he is a human that has flaws that I want to work through with” not an “I can’t stand my stupid husband” way.

Don’t guilt trip

This one is hard but so important in thinking about how to argue in a strong marriage. I feel like this goes along with not making things a competition. Don’t bring up old arguments or past feelings to make your spouse feel guilted into backing down. This only causes resentment and does not actually solve whatever problem caused the argument. Deal with the current situation. Sometimes the current situation does involve past events but you shouldn’t just bring up old stuff to make the other person feel guilty.

Actually talk!

If something is bothering you tell the other person! Don’t let it stew. When you sort it out right away it often is just a small little thing. After we’ve let things stew something that could be a quick little talk becomes a huge fight.

This doesn’t mean that you need to start an argument about every little thing, just say something. If it bothers you when the other person says a certain thing about you, say something like “I know you’re not meaning to hurt my feelings, but I really don’t like when you say that.” This approach shows that you’re not trying to start a fight or nag the other person. It is not accusatory but still draws attention to an unwanted behavior. “Can you not be a jerk?” comes across a lot more negatively and doesn’t usually solve anything. It has an accusatory tone which will, in turn, make the other person defensive.

Reflection

How do you make sure to keep a strong relationship through arguments? How do arguments usually end? With tears, anger, resentment, and silent treatments? Or with a solution or deeper understanding?

If arguments are causing resentment and ill-feelings what’s something YOU can do to change the way you communicate with your partner? What lessons have you learned through your experiences in how to argue in a strong marriage?

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy reading about the 31 Day Pursuit Challenge that helped my husband and me start the new year off with a focus on each other!

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