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This post is a long one, but I feel a very important one.
As a teacher who is also a parent, there are certain skills that are really important that my child knows-things that I know will make them more successful in school as well as in their social life. I feel that my responsibility is to make sure that these skills are taught or addressed before starting school.
When a teacher is spending time having to parent, it takes away from them getting to teach the actual content, which is really what they should be able to do. My child is going to school to learn the academic things. This is not to say that teachers will never have to remind my kids to use manners or encourage them to keep trying. But the foundation for this should already be set. It should not be something that my kids are unaccustomed to hearing at home. The first time my child hears “Let’s not talk with our mouth full, it’s impolite,” should NOT be at school. They should already pretty much know this, but maybe need some reminders.
Here is a list of just 7 of the things (there are more, of course) that I feel like help a child be successful in school that parents can and should teach at home.
Accepting Criticism
This is so important to a child being able to learn and grow! We all think that our kids are just the most perfect and do everything well, but children need to learn how to make things better. They need to see corrections as an opportunity for growth. My students who are the most successful in all areas are the ones that would come and ask what could be better about their work. They welcomed criticism because they saw it as a way to learn something new. These students had been instilled with a love of learning and were always wanting to know and understand more about what we were doing. Fixing mistakes was one way that they did that. They did not see criticism as an insult or a blow to their self-esteem.
My students who could not take criticism would shut down any time anything wasn’t seen as perfect. They wanted to do it once, turn it in and be done. Making a mistake meant that they weren’t going to do the work period. The thought of redoing and/or making corrections on a project or paper or even a small homework assignment was enough to make them rip up the paper and say it’s stupid (and I am stupid, and school is stupid, etc.). These children did not grow. Instead of seeing corrections and editing as a part of the learning and the creative process they saw it as a punishment.
The students that understood that even great writers, great engineers, great actors, and great athletes, do not get things right the first time did better. Authors spend YEARS writing a book, changing things, having people edit and give suggestions, taking things out, adding things, and all that goes into making a book. The people that are great at what they do get that way by constantly trying to make things better. They are always learning from those who know more. They do a lot of research and take advice from other experts. Our children need this skill.
Perseverance
This goes along with the accepting criticism one. Teaching our children to keep trying is so important to me. Encouraging them to see that a mistake is not a failure. When our kids are trying to do something by themselves and getting frustrated, Max and I try not to just jump to their rescue.
When we as parents just immediately do the task for them the second they struggle, we are building a habit. We have essentially told them, “I don’t believe that you can do this task on your own, so I will just do it.” This carries through to school. Kids start to believe that if you can’t do it right away, then that just means you can’t do it and a grown-up will have to do it for you.
Kids go to school to learn things that they DON’T ALREADY know how to do. Many, if not most, tasks will be difficult at first. They will struggle on the first try. The students who know that this doesn’t mean they are incapable, and it is just a step in learning something new will keep working at it until they get it. The kids who have had someone take over every time they couldn’t do something right away give up almost immediately with a new skill. Instead of trying different things to find a solution, thinking through, and problem-solving, they will expect the teacher to take over and do it for them. When this doesn’t happen (if they have a good teacher, it won’t) they have a meltdown.
Speaking to adults and Speaking With Clarity
Please teach your children how to speak to adults. This was a huge thing with my mother. I am working on it with my 3-year-old now. He has started to do that thing that three-year-olds do where when someone is talking to them they look away and just pretend they didn’t hear them. This is something that is normal for 3-year-olds but should be corrected so they learn not to do it. Unfortunately, many of my students were never corrected.
When my sisters and I were young, people always told my mom, “Wow, your children seem so mature. I love how they are able to speak to adults.” This seemed almost silly to my mom. She would think, “Why would I not teach my children this?”
It is more than just “speaking with adults,” but learning how to speak in different situations. When you are talking to friends, it is different than when you speak to someone who is an authority, someone who you are not familiar with, a person over the phone, etc. To children, this is mostly covered by “adults.”
My mother taught us to say “yes” not “yeah or yep” or anything that could be misunderstood or unclear. Use WORDS when you are answering or asking a question!
I was a fourth-grade teacher. Students that were old enough to use complete sentences would point or give one word when asking for something or answering a question. I can’t count the number of times that a student came up to me with some ambiguous request that I had no clue what they were talking about. Students would walk up to me and just point. FOURTH GRADERS! “Are you asking a question? Do you need something? Are you reporting an incident? What does this point mean?” A lot of times when I would say, “Are you needing something?” The response was “yeah.” OK… What? What do you need? USE WORDS!
Or the one-word requests would happen too. “Mrs. Khatthaname… The chair…” What about the chair? There are 30 chairs in here. Which chair? Is a chair broken? Are you having trouble moving the chair? What are you telling me?
Cleaning up after themselves
This is NOT the teacher’s job to teach them this. This is my job. The teacher should be able to show how that particular item should be put away because it is specific to her classroom, and she probably has a specific way she wants it done, but she should know that the students already have a basic understanding of how to clean up after themselves.
In a classroom, it is very easy to tell which children are expected to do this regularly at home and which are not. When I say “OK, clean up your area,” there are students who automatically find the same container, put things back in boxes and try to make it look like they were never there. Then there are kids who leave everything everywhere. Or throw everything in a random container in a big mess. The idea that we put things back in the same place that we found them and looking the same way they did when we got them is something that makes a huge difference. Teachers should not be staying late fixing the library, re-sorting the stations, and other things that the students are completely capable of doing. Teachers should be able to use that time on things that actually contribute to learning.
Listening and Thinking About What is Being Said
This is a skill that will still need to be practiced at school. Some of what I am about to say is just child language development that takes time for them to master. Some of it is stuff that should be learned before school starts.
When people are talking it is important that we are actively listening. What this means is that we are actually thinking about and processing what is being said. Our children too often passively listen, which means they hear you but are not taking the words your saying and bringing meaning to them. A lot of students answer what they think I was going to ask, rather than actually listening and answering the question that I asked.
Example time.
(Actual conversations with students)
Teacher: “What is it called when you let someone use something you are using?” (answer: sharing, which we JUST went over)
Student: “911!”
Teacher: “What is an animal that has an adaptation (current vocabulary word that they are learning) to help it get food?”
Student: “Pizza!”
Teacher: “Pizza is not an animal.”
Student: “French Fries?”
In each of these situations, the students were not actively listening and processing what is being said. The food one, they simply picked a word out of the question and decided what I was asking. I don’t honestly know what was going on with the 911 answer. That happens a lot though.
Along with actively listening to a speaker, students need to wait until it is their turn to speak. This is good manners as well as increases their ability to actively listen. If they are too busy shouting out or talking to a friend, they are missing the information that will help them. Waiting until the information has been processed and when it is one’s turn before speaking makes communication go much more smoothly and you get a lot fewer left-field answers like, “911!”
Taking turns in general
Based on my observations of just people, I think part of the problem here is that ADULTS don’t have this skill, therefore do not demonstrate it to their kids. It is not always your turn. Regardless of your circumstance, you have the same rules as everyone else. I used to work retail, and my goodness, people. Learn how to wait in a line! People would walk in front of the very obvious line right to the register. “Oh, I’m sorry there is actually a line.” “Well, I just need to buy this one thing” Ummm… That’s what everyone is doing. Wait your turn. A lot of times it was “Well, I’m in a hurry.” Well, then you should have come earlier… because you still need to wait your turn.
Kids pick up on this “my circumstance is more special than anyone else’s” attitude. “Johnny, wait your turn for the water fountain.” “But I’m thirsty!” Well so is everyone else that’s getting a drink.
Respect
Respect is so important! It can change how a child walks through life. It can change the favor that they see from their bosses and teachers. A student should be taught respect for others, respect for property, (appropriate) respect for authority, etc. Respect makes a huge difference. This is something that should be taught at home! It should be demonstrated day in and day out.
If you want your child to respect authority, watch how you talk about their teacher in front of them. I may not always agree with my kids’ teachers, but they will never hear me say “that rule is dumb, why does she make that a rule?” in front of them. How can I expect him to respect rules if I’m not respecting them? Regardless of whether I like the rule (or law) I will still be held accountable for breaking it. It’s the same for school rules.
If it is a rule that I think is not ok to the point I need to say something, I will have a private, civilized talk with the teacher. It could be that she has a lot of research behind her decision that I have not seen before. If it is just annoying, maybe I’ll complain with my husband after the kids go to bed. But I will not undermine his or her authority in front of my child.
Similarly, my husband and I try not to undermine each other. If I have just said that Theron cannot have candy, my husband, even if he was about to give it to him, will respect that. He will not say, “It’s fine, he had a good day. I’m giving him candy.” This translates to, “Mom is not a real authority and we don’t actually need to obey.”
Why is this important?
These are just SOME of the things that we as parents should take responsibility for when it comes to our children’s learning. These are things that make a huge difference in the success of students. I see it EVERYDAY. Not only does it help the child themselves, but it helps all other children who are around him.
In a classroom setting, the teacher is just one person. When she is busy teaching manners and having to take time to correct behavior, it’s not just the ill-behaved kids who are suffering academically. Everyone suffers. Time is being taken away from children learning. Think of what lesson could have been taught instead of ANOTHER “This is how we clean up after centers” lesson.
This is a very important and beneficial article!! As a former elementary teacher in an inner city school district, there were so many things besides content I spent time teaching my students. More of my time was spent being a parent and positive role model to my students than actually teaching a skill or strategy. I’m only with them for 8 hours a day! It’s hard because the parents of my former students almost expected us teachers to teach their children these other things that should have been taught and reinforced at home before coming to school. My daughter is only 2 and I’m trying to teach her many of the things you mention and more.
Yes, that is exactly where I am right now. I have actually had a parent SAY well that’s your job! No… Ma’am, it’s really not. So much of my day is spent correcting behavior.